Coffin Nailed - An Erotic Tale

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Guide Coffin Nailed - An Erotic Tale

Pretty please? I am ready, I can do this. Are you still with me? Realizing he is now an abomination, Dickhead flees, becoming a creature of the night and feeding on animals rather than humans to repent for being such an asshole in life. Well guess what Sue, Dickhead never really left you! Upon learning of his predicament and how it happened, Sue can do nothing but blame herself.

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But he is strong! And over comes his base manly vampire instincts and neither rapes not kills her. And this is so romantic that Sue gives it up, but not before she launches into a theory about how in all fairy tales, True Love saves the day, so maybe her magical pure vagina that has never been touched by anyone, not even her, can bring him back to life. So Dickhead being a dickhead agrees and rips her clothes off, but not before he takes one last moment to marvel at the beauty of her purity, because he will never again look on her again and know she is Pure.

So they hop on the good foot and do the nasty, except she is literally so pure in spirit, her flesh burns his. In the opening paragraph of the first Sookie book, Dead Until Dark, we hear of the exciting arrival of the first revenants in the fictional backwoods town of Bon Temps, Louisiana.

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New Orleans, meanwhile, is "a real centre" for vampires with "the whole Anne Rice thing, right? But it is fun and raunchy and knowing: we see a newspaper headline that announces "Angelina adopts Vampire Baby". The fanged hero, civil war veteran Bill Compton, seduces Sookie, another reworking of Bram Stoker's virginal Mina Harker — on the night she succumbs she wears a white nightgown with flowing sleeves.

Ball plays around with vampires as metaphor — his seductive revenants are clearly stand-ins for gay people the opening credit sequence features a sign that reads "God Hates Fangs", a play on the Kansas City-based Westboro Baptist Church slogan "God Hates Fags" , and those who enjoy being bitten by a vampire during sex are castigated as "fang-bangers".

The vampires are a persecuted minority fighting for integration and civil rights — they are outsiders, the staple of teenage fiction. In True Blood, it has become illegal to "drain" vampires of their blood which, when drunk by ordinary mortals, is a potent hallucinogen and aphrodisiac, nicknamed "V".

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  • Such is the show's success, it won't be long before there are "fangtastic" tours to Clinton, the small Louisiana town around 50 miles from New Orleans where much of True Blood is filmed I drove there, and there's little to see at present. This Halloween weekend, New Orleans plays host to a Vampire film festival , and the bloodsuckers aren't likely to disappear any time soon. There's intense rivalry between businesses selling haunted history trips and "spooktaculars" in the city, and the locals are understandably keen, following Katrina, to do all they can to attract visitors: better fictional horrors than real ones, and better ghost stories than actual memories of a ghost town.

    Over the years such stories have been told, retold and blithely fabricated to feed the public's appetite for escapism with a ghoulish theme.

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    The legend most excitedly recycled by my guide at the St Louis cemetery, for instance, is of Marie Laveau , the Creole "voodoo queen", whose crypt there is, reportedly, the second-most visited grave in the US after Elvis's but ahead of JFK's. The tomb is covered in sets of three "X"s, drawn or scratched on by visitors to represent wishes they hope the famed sorceress will grant.

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    The story goes that Laveau, who was alive in the s and worked as a hairdresser to rich, white families, would stage ceremonies in which the participants would be possessed by spirits and dance naked. She told fortunes and healed the sick, dispensing charms and potions called gris-gris. When she finally died in , aged almost 80, legend has it she turned herself into a huge black crow that still flies over the cemetery though, in truth, it's doubtful she's buried there at all.

    There are, naturally, voodoo shops in the French Quarter that sell gris-gris, statues, fetishes, incense and masks.


    And all over the city, the supernatural is a selling point. Ghosts bring in dollars as surely as Mardi Gras and every hotel seems to have a ghost. The Monteleone , an august establishment on Royal Street, boasts a number of spectres and poltergeists — not least one that keeps opening a locked door.

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    • When a guest tried to take his photo, all that was captured by her camera was a black, formless shape. Guides stopping outside the three-storey LaLaurie mansion further down Royal tell a grisly tale of cruelty to slaves in the midth century. Madame LaLaurie was a prominent figure in the town and hosted many parties in her lavish residence.

      But rumours began to spread about the unhealthy appearance and the disappearance of her household servants and slaves. A young girl was chased on to the roof and fell to her death; she was buried underneath the cypress tree in the courtyard. Then a fire broke out in the mansion and rescuers discovered evidence that servants had been chained up and maltreated. Madame LaLaurie fled the city. Even more lurid details, which add spice to this story of "the most haunted house in New Orleans" — women nailed to floors, makeshift sex-change operations, and so on — turn out to have been the invention of the owner of one of the local ghost-tour businesses.

      And the house with "the most ghosts in America"? An engaging guide, Robi, makes the most of shlocky legends of vanishing jewellery, footsteps on the stairs and trapped spirits in a mirror: see the handprints, see the streaks of Mississippi river water? The bed and breakfasters who lodge upstairs, we're assured, rarely make it through the night. It's all down to the cruelty of an antebellum owner of the house, Clark Woodruff, who forced a slave, Chloe, to become his mistress then put her to death as a punishment for eavesdropping. In revenge, she is said to have killed off Woodruff's wife and daughters.